wow, i'm just wiped.

twitter isn't useless (as i originally thought). in fact, it's got quite a great purpose:

i started it off by tweeting:

the response from some of the office:

come on, you know you want to click the "play" button:

funny deki fact: the skins folder contains the skins: "Ace", "Base", and "Fiesta." I didn't even realize "Ace" and "Base" until G pointed it out.

edit: look at the power of my tabulas!

damien told me to check out the new kanye single. holy kanye, it's amazing.

i'm not lovin' you, the way I wanted to
what I had to do, had to run from you
i'm in love with you, but the vibe is wrong
and that haunted me, all the way home

so ya never know, never never know
never know enough, 'till it's over love
'till we lose control, system overload
screamin' no no no, no no

i ain't lovin you, the way i wanted to
see I wanna move, but can't escape from you
so i keep it low, keep a secret code
so everybody else dont have to know

so keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down
you keep ya love locked down, you lose

i'm not lovin you, the way i wanted to
i can't keep my cool, so i keep it true
i got something to lose, so i gotta move
i can't keep myself, and still keep you too
so i keep in mind, when i'm on my own
somewhere far from home, in the danger zone
how many times did it take 'till I finally got through
you lose, you lose

i ain't lovin you, the way i wanted to
see i had to go, see i had to go
no more wasting time, we can't wait for life
which is wasting time, where's the finish line

so keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down
you keep ya love locked down, you lose

i'm not lovin you, the way i wanted to
i met no one new, i got no one new
no i said i'm through, but got love for you
but i'm not loving you, the way i wanted to
gotta keep it going, keep the loving going
keep it on a roll, only god knows
am i into you, baby i'm confused
you choose, you choose

i ain't lovin you, the way i wanted to
way i want to go, i dont need you
i been on this road, too many times before
i ain't lovin you, the way i wanted to

so keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down
keepin ya love locked down, you lose...

this song reminded me of a pretty bad situation back from CH ... long-time readers will be reminded of the "jack & jill" episodes - my whole situation with jill seems to be captured in this song. looking back, i was such an indecisive weakling. i should have just asked her straight-up, instead of dancing around the topic.

oh the things you learn. speaking of personal growth, i really feel like i've matured significantly since moving here. it's funny, cause i thought the absence of personal connections and relationships would really hamper that growth. i guess i found what i needed my job.

my mom said i should be careful and not care so much about my coworkers (she was surprised at what lengths i went to cover a couple coworkers) ... maybe my yearning to feel some sort of human connection has twisted things in some weird fashion and made me a more caring coworker. weird.

a lot of personal things (not work-related, for once!) have been running through my mind lately. for the most part, i think i made the right decisions in not pursuing social relationships over the past year and a half ... but i have to say that there does feel like a huge gaping hole in my life.

i have to say though, for the first time in a long time, i just feel a ton more positivity in my life. i know the next few months will be hell-ish (to say the least), but i'm feeling really good about it.

roy

Every once in a while, I'll go on a massive cleaning spree. Inevitably, the cleanup dredges up old Christmas cards, photos, and memories ... and the cleanup ends up taking a week longer than expected. My place is currently a mess of books, photos, and clothes strewn all over the place.

When I was younger, I didn't care too much for cards - I thought they were pretty hokey. But man, am I glad I kept them around. It's amazing how many people cared and supported me through my life: I had a massive guilt trip as I realized I let so many of these people go in my life. So many people keep sending me Christmas cards, when I fail to do so. Maybe I'll pre-empt them with Thanksgiving cards (and skip the Christmas cards) this year (we'll see how long this feeling lasts).

Anyways, I want to send out (into the Internet void) some positive karma for all my past friends who send me postcards, cards, and photos. They are truly cherished by an older me.

To be honest, I don't think I've ever had that ah-ha! moment when it comes to the internet. Although the past 6 years worth of entries are on this site, I just don't get that same feeling as I do with these mementos. That has to say something about the Internet.

ooh, i got totally internet burned today. i added somebody from my carolina days as a friend on facebook (cleaning out some old stuff, i found a card, which reminded me of this particular person). i got an email confirmation saying we were friends ... but when i clicked the link, it said we weren't friends anymore.

total burn! super sad panda time.

roy

When I was younger, I had a total "me against the world" attitude. I used to think the most admirable thing to do was to do something by yourself - the lone programmer creating a beautiful application. I've always been a lone wolf by nature, so this appealed to me.

I can safely say my feelings on this have changed greatly. I now think the most admirable position is one where you're able to amplify your ideas and execute through a large group to be much harder (and rarer). Vision guides both type of people - but the lone wolf has the lesser burden of not having to communicate and coordinate. To succeed with a team, you need to be able to share the vision with others and inspire them to work. And if the team isn't as technically capable as yourself, then you need to teach (or work around) ... how much more noble is it to raise the people around you instead of just yourself?

That's not to say that design by consensus is the best solution - I am still a huge proponent of one voice speaking (I have some issues with the whole notion of "Wisdom of Crowds" - I believe big crowds tend to make the safe, mediocre choice, rather than the risky bet with the vision) ... but I definitely think that people out there, who think they can make it big by themselves, take another look.

I know this mentality is what sunk me with Tabulas & Audiomatch. I'm beginning to see now how beneficial it would have been if I hadn't taken things so lightly and for granted.

came home at 3pm today, turned on john mayer's live album, and became a useless mush in bed. no planning, no thinking, no actions. just laying there. it was wonderfully liberating.

today in the office (i've sorted the tweets in chronological order):

what's sad is that the first quote i was being completely serious.

The 55 gallon aquarium is gone. In its place:

I'm going to start easy (Moonlight Sonata 1st movement, various Chopin Nocturnes, Debussy's "Claire de Lune", Beethoven's Pathetique Sonata), but I intend to progress into more technically difficult pieces by mid-2009 (3rd movement of Moonlight Sonata, Chopin's "Ocean Etude", Chopin's "Revolutionary Etude").

The goal is to eventually play Liszt's "La Campanella." Let's see how long this reinvigoration lasts.

My mom has always loved piano ... I think it'll be nice for me to try to put together an audio recording of me fumbling through various pieces for her next birthday in the summertime. That's a very reasonable goal.

7:12pm. an amazing moment of clarity. a jarring realization of what things mean to me.

the definition behind the life i've lived, the life i'm living, and the life i've yet to live.

i had forgotten how transient life is ... how everything could come crashing down around you at a moment's notice, and how important it is to enjoy life right now. what i have right now, the family i have right now, the people i have around me right now ... i should do my best to raise them up and enjoy their company right now.

life is now. life isn't something i'm planning to live years from now. 

i can't believe i had forgotten this.

roy

the last thing i decided to do at work today was reply to an email. the email was inquiring about our integration with a third-party application inside deki.

i mis-read the email sender and replied in two parts, except the second part referred back to the third party's documentation.

guess who the email was actually to? the ceo of the third-party app. as if he didn't know where the documentation on his own site was. 

oops.

i am counting down the days until my trip back to nc (leaving friday mid-day!)

i've always had trouble falling asleep. i've never had problems waking up at 6am and being unable to fall back asleep.

guess there's a first time for everything.

oddly enough, i'm not tired at all. just kind of miserable.

the contents of my refrigerator:

• 17 coors light
• 13 heineken
• 5 shipyard (some crappy brand)
• 4 coronas
• 6 sticks of un/salted butter
• bag of rice
• condiments
• 1 gallon of water
• champagne
• orange juice (which is expired)
  
• bag of chocolate chips
  

notice the lack of fruits, vegetables, and general sustenance.

and note, i am not a drinker. this is all stuff left-over from various parties, in anticipation of the weekly mindtouch poker game. unfortunately, there's been a surplus of beer gifting for these events lately ... tomorrow, the surplus is drained! (wish our economy had the same problem).

picture proof:

you, i'll miss you most of all

I'm back in NC. It's falltime, and that means cold, crisp winds and lots of raking leaves to look forward to.

Took a stroll around the Carolina campus today - it's changed so much... I was really surprised at how well they've maintained the beauty of the campus while cramming in more buildings - they really made excellent use of the open space.

However, it seems that not everything is rosy:

"The chairs, being held hostage for the fourth day, were running out of time..."

a rough draft of an idea i've been mulling over for some time. it's actually way harder to shoot these shots than i originally anticipated. i'll get better. adding some motion will help, as well as boosting the exposure (i underexposed these by a stop). i'm pretty happy with the overall exposure (and the fact that the right side of the picture blacks out), but the person isn't readily noticeable - more reflective clothes will probably help there.

(with  much thanks to han for his assistance)

drove out to grandfather mountain yesterday evening, but it was closed today due to high winds in the area (it was also apparently very foggy up there):

i believe that peak is grandfather mountain.

anyways, i ended up just driving down the blue ridge parkway - what a beautiful drive:

along the way, i stopped by linville falls:

it's been so long since i've done any type of photography - man, i'm rusty. i was playing around with my neutral-density filter ... epic fail (the nd filter is why so many of these pictures seem blurry - even with the tripod, the windiness caused things to go blurry).

. . .

jeez, two of my favorite women in the world in the same vid together ... hot!

i'm back from bald head island.

this video was hyped up during the trip, and i finally got to watch it:

tomorrow i'll be flying back home to san diego. yay!

Finally, back home. There was a 25% chance our flight would have been diverted to LAX from SAN due to foggy conditions (apparently the planes need at least a mile of visibility to land). Fortunately, that didn't happen!

Anyways, a lot of thoughts are bouncing around in my head right now - I'll have to be sure to get them down this week. I do feel incredibly refreshed and ready to tackle work again, which is great, since I have a mountain of work to get through this week.

Tons of stuff seem to be slipping through the cracks (both at work and in my disarray of a personal life) ... time to get everything back in order.

Viva la vida!

UNC belltower

While seeing friends & family in NC was awesome, the most important thing I got out of this recent vacation was a chance to reflect. It's hard for me to divorce myself from my work and my mindset in San Diego long enough to take an introspective look at where I am in my life. My life is defined by project after project, milestone after milestone, release after release. I'm so hard looking a couple days ahead, that before I know it, I've been in San Diego for nearly two years.

That's not to say that I'm unhappy with my life - I'm quite happy with it. I've achieved more than I wanted when I got here, and I work at a job I truly enjoy with coworkers I have a ton of respect for. But while I've grown professionally, I've neglected my personal life. To hang out with friends that have no connection to work ... it had been nearly seven months since I had done that.

So what am I doing now? I'm doing a bit more to feel happy outside of work. To tether my whole state of joy to work is unhealthy (at best). I bought a piano before I left for NC - already I'm enjoying learning new pieces (started Clair de Lune today!) and it's such a relief to not think about work when I'm playing piano.

I'm also going to start biking again on the weekends. In NC, I used to bike for hours on weekends - at least 4 hours a day. I loved just whooshing by trees in the trails and being alone in nature. I need to do this again (time to get a bike tune-up!)

The most important thing is to not live selfishly. I'm always floored with Southern hospitality (yes, it exists, and yes it's significant). I always complain about it not being here, but whose fault is that? My own! Even if it's weird, I need to stop living in my own world all the time and start being nice to strangers, too.

The last thing I don't do as much is write. Back in the day, I used to love reading my RSS feeds and commenting on the news of the day. Do you realize the last time I've done such a thing on this Tabulas? You can search, but it's been a long time.

I used to write to help spread knowledge and information. It seems I just write for myself - how narcissist it must sound. Maybe it's because there's not much left to learn in the web development world - everyone pretty much has accepted standards, and all the tools are already there to do whatever you'd like. Maybe it's the maturation of the industry ... who knows. There seems to be less to read and less to be interested about.

Maybe it's cause the whole notion of Web 2.0 is dying, or that Facebook came along and did everything that everybody wanted to do. It seems the whole industry lacks real vision - it used to be so easy to build up something new and fresh - it seems it's not so easy to do that now.

I do seem to lost the ability to truly think critically. Lately, I found myself reading a whole lot of material on economics (refreshing myself on some macroeconomics), and it was really refreshing to learn and think critically about a subject. My day-to-day is so scattered that it doesn't lend itself to deep thinking - much more instinctual shallow thinking. Maybe this is why so many managers end up being developers again - to sit in one area, think critically about a problem, and solve it, is so refreshing. I have to be honest, there are very few "wins" I get - most of the job is dealing with cleaning up the "losses" and making sure they don't happen again. And it really is hard to measure the absence of failure ;)

So maybe I'll start providing some more insight into ideas on this journal again - ideas about communities and wikis and social software and politics and economics. Who knows. 

roy

quote from corey (paraphrased): "i read your blog post last night, and i was all like, 'dag it, roy's gonna come in all early and be happy.'"

:(

mgmt's "electric feel" - awesome.

the youtube embedding is disabled, so you'll have to view the video here.