I've played a little bit of Diablo 2 lately, so I've gotten into my head the notion of carrying an inventory of useful items with me. Of course, this would never happen in reality because I wouldn't be caught dead with a murse (man-purse, but I also remember that word being referenced to a male nurse), even if I could carry around all sorts of cool things.

For example, brass balls from Amazon. Imagine all the useful situations you could use these!

Is one of your friends acting a bit too smitten with his girlfriend? Imagine the scenario:

ME: Hey man, let's go out for some dri-zzinks (hip slang for drinks) like old times

SMITTEN LOSER: Man, I'm gonna go shopping with my girlfriend early tomorrow morning. I don't want to stay out too late, she might get mad. She's already a bit peeved that I stayed out late Tuesday playing poker with you guys

ME: Hey, can you ... hey that reminds me of something I found on the ground yesterday...

SMITTEN LOSER: Huh?

(I PULL OUT TWO BRASS BALLS)

ME: Yeah, I found these on the ground yesterday. You sure they aren't yours?

There is no better way than to appeal to the masculinity of a guy to get him to do something. This is why girls can always get their electronics fixed; there is a horde of guys who want to prove their worth by fixing a gizmo.

Or another situation:

ME: Yeah, so Jessica (Biel) emailed me yesterday wanting to go out for dinner, but I already made plans with Kristin (Bell)

ADMIRING FRIEND (I have many): Wow man, so you gonna cancel on Jessica?

ME: Heck NO man! I made plans with both of them! Roy's got enough love to share... OH YEAAHHHH

ADMIRING FRIEND: Oh man, you've got some ...

ME: WAIT, LET ME FINISH THAT THOUGHT

(I PULL OUT ZE BRASS BALLS)

Laughter would undoubtedly ensue.

Note: I would never attempt to go out with Kristin and Jessica on the same night. At the worst, I would probably try to make a lunch date with one and a dinner date with the other

Another note: Please realize that anything in the "Foolishness" category is tongue-in-cheek. I realize that subtlety and inside jokes are hard to project onto a web-audience, which is probably why hundreds of people probably now think I'm a pompous jackass. I will be lucky if I can trick a girl into dating me, nevertheless goddesses like Jessica Biel and Kristin Bell ;)

. . .

Video of the day: (this is an old favorite when I went to college... the guys in my room couldn't stop watching it. It's fantastic)