Dying doesn't scare me.

I was checking through the referral logs of my website and a AsianAvenue website came up ... there was a picture of two lovely high schoolers ... a couple picture. Now, there was a blurb of text next to it (in 10px verdana so I was a bit reluctant to read it). Originally as I started reading it, I thought it was one of those "we broke up but I learned so much" type of letters.

But apparently the girl ... had passed away. The letter was somewhat vague as to whether she had actually passed away, but there was a big picture of her with a RIP ... she was only two months older than me. I checked a few more links (of other "friends" in the AsianAvenue group), and as it turns out, she really did pass away. A memorial site (AA, of course) was set up in her memory ... with pictures and shoutouts and some sad Korean songs being played in the background.

It was haunting to visit her webpage ... it's still up and there have been no updates since she last touched it (only a few days before her death). She passed away three days before her graduation.

It's so ... sobering to visit a dead person's page. Their site looks like any other, but deep inside, you know that this person will never touch another person's life again. Although I had no idea who this person was, the memorials and the final shoutouts in her memorial were touching.

it made me realize that if I were to pass away, I would leave behind a large part of my life archived. It would be odd reading it, I'm sure ...

Have I learned anything? Could my site teach someone something? Did my life have meaning? Could other people find meaning in it?

I've never been one to believe I would live long; one of the longest beliefs I've had (and this is morbid and depressing) is that I would die early. For some reason, from when I was quite young, I always believed I would die quite early. Not because I'm stupid or because I'm suicidal (I love life), but ... some unfortunate accident would befall me and I would pass away from this life.

I turned away from religion because I didn't believe an afterlife. Will this create additional pain? I know when religious people pass away, many justify and find peace in the fact that they've gone "to a better place;" how will peace be brought when I die? I don't believe in heaven and hell ...

I would like to think I left some kind of impact on this earth. To have made some kind of difference in the grand scheme of things. My greatest fear ... is to be forgotten. It's a rather selfish goal, but I want everything that I went through; the trials and tribulations to have been for something.

But let's not kid ourselves. We will be remembered for only a short time. Perhaps a generation ... two if you're lucky. Then you're forgotten. It's the way this world is ... you live, you die, and people move on.

I just hope that if I am to ever pass away, people would have the balls to remember my faults and my shortcomings; it's easy to not disrespect the dead, but I would feel insulted if only the good was remembered. It is through our faults that we are defined as humans (a glass half-empty view, I know)... it is how we learn and how we grow.

Oigh. Weird and depressing thoughts. Sorry. For the record, I would like "Long and Winding Road" by the Beatles to be played at my funeral.

And save me the "roy is a depressing fool who only thinks about death." we can die at any time. this girl (that i don't even know) died ... at the age of 18. scary.

Addendum: What's even more heartbreaking is to read the AA pages of the girl's boyfriend (lovers, whatever you want to call it). Guess true love lives on even through death.

Argh, there as a specific picture I was looking at posting publicly ... it had been posted publically once before. Argh, it's not online. Oh well. Here's a different one:

Posted by roy on July 5, 2002 at 03:38 PM in Personal | Add a comment

Related Entries

Want to comment with Tabulas?. Please login.