Another addled entry from this chemically induced stupor. Yes, I took an Ambien last night to try to fall asleep, and yes, I have failed, as I find myself writing an entry at 2:49AM. Ambien has downside that if makes you incredibly drowsy, so I'll probably won't make much sense.

I'm currently listening to Jimmy Eat Worlds' "Over" (Thanks Linda for the reference)

. . .

"I'm not sure exactly just what I should say..."

. . .

Christmas had almost no meaning for me. All it meant, for me, was having Monday off to meet up with some of my awesome friends (seriously, this is one area in my life I've been overly lucky). And thus I see the juxtaposition of two exclusive states of mind, based on my young adult experiences: (1) the yearning to be attached and to have a significant other, represented through Christmas by seeing and hanging out with friends and (2) the need for me to take a lot of time off by myself to figure stuff out. It seems that I can never escape one situation when trying to get into the other - I invariably find myself being the quiet drunk, or the arrogant conversationalist.

I gripe that young adults are so lonely, but then I never seem to want to go out and do stuff. How emo of me.

Tonight was the realization that I would be leaving people behind. It wasn't a full blast of realization, but more of a pre-sputter. And I will be replaced. Somebody else will fill my role in my circle of friends. We won't be as close anymore. Sure, there'll be semi-yearly trips to see each other, but distance is going to destroy those impromptu trips to Waffle House to discuss inane topics like Grey's Anatomy to why we don't use a simpler set of numbers to represent time.

When leaving an area, I've always had a hard time pinpointing one moment or one thing I missed. I know when I was in Korea for a few months a few summers ago, I missed being able to come back to the dorm room, uttering a few social niceties to my roommates, flopping on our futon mattress (which was laid on the ground), flipping on the tube, and watching Law and Order SVU marathon until the wee hours of the morning.

I miss the random dinner outings are our local hangout joints and the good-natured ribbing that always happens. Reliving inside jokes and stories. Being in a comfort zone. Knowing the people around you, and them knowing you.

. . .

"Everything I do is a mistake."

. . .

I made a plan for when I move in regards to my job. Most of you have expressed concerns about my situation in San Diego, as have my parents (on a daily basis). Truth be told, I don't know what's going to happen. But I do have a plan. It's the culmination of my personal realignment behind MindTouch, watching how politics are played, and finally casting away the fanny pack of insecurity about my skills. I'll write more about this in a friends-only entry.

I shared this with three people, and none of them seemed very excited. Maybe it's because I'm still being naive about the real world. Maybe it's because they don't think I can do it. Maybe it's because it's sad to see me place such an emphasis on beating the rat race. Whatever it is, the general vibe I get back is one of caution and doubt.

I'm a firm believer that if all your friends believe in one thing, they're generally right. When it comes to decision making, the group is usually right (esp if you've chosen the group correctly).

This leads me to wonder why some people are always amazed that they have these awfully dramatic situations with friends/roommates/whatever/girlfriends/boyfriends. After the 5th or 6th social blowup, do these people not ask themselves what the common denominator is in each of those situations? It's them.

So what of my plans that has met lukewarm receptions? I don't know why people are lukewarm about it - maybe they're afraid I have too high hopes and they'll be dashed. All I know is that, at the moment, my plan is the best one and I hope I can execute it.

. . .

"I really need to hear how great I am"

. . .

So what happens of my social life? I once told a close friend my feelings on friendships - that we shouldn't be so attached because we inevitably have to go in different directions. Even with the technological advances we've made today, it's impossible to maintain a meaningful relationship through distance. The best you can hope for is a mutually agreed time to be in the same location (Christmas works) so you can swing back a few beers and retell some old stories and have a good time. But will those moments be the same as before, or are we simply reliving the glory of the past?

It's not that when I move away, I'll stop caring about these people - on a very visceral level, these people have played an important part in my life ... in being who I am. But... there's no longer any growth in those relationships. The flower has bloomed and soon will be pruned.

But this leads open doors for other people. How much easier is to meet people at this age? I griped about this a few months ago - meeting new people in a casual setting like an undergrad seems nearly impossible. Every time I meet someone, there's always pleasantries exchanged: "What do you do?" "Are you married?" "Are you engaged?"

When girls are undergrads, they must be wary of boys trying to sleep with them. Should boys be wary of girls trying to marry them? A lot of conflicts I've seen recently have the subtext of marriage. It's ugly.

. . .

"The last words from a dying scene"

. . .

If you can't tell, I'm totally stressed. I haven't been 'stressed' in a really long time - I draw a clear distinction between having an arseload of work to do (all the time for me, really) and being stressed. Stress is an emotional factor that I try to keep at bay because it rarely does good.

But it won't be stopped.

It seems everything in my life is changing for the better. Swept up in the currents of change, I've been blindly reaching out and grabbing anything that will help me maintain some sense of my identity. I have a new car. I'll be in a new location, among strangers. A different lifestyle ... right now I'm involved more with college-type people ... over there, will it be the same? Even small things that would normally not irk me have been bothering me like crazy.

I had to affix a University of North Carolina sticker to my car (you know, those alum stickers in the back windows), and it would not get to the perfect spot. Off by a few centimenters, I had to do it again. This was one outcome I could control, and I was not going to be denied.

. . .

"I'll be on the next train home"

. . .

I really haven't had time by myself in a long time to realize what I'm doing. I'm leaving 14 years of living behind. I'm leaving my parents and my sister behind. I'm leaving all my friends behind.

Luckily God invented airplanes; how much tougher was this transition for kids in the 18th century. I know I'll see my parents at least twice a year ...

Between dealing with multiple moving companies, car transporting company, apartment people, various utilities/parking companies in San Diego, planning out all the things I need to do for my car (need to transfer VA title/registration to NC, get insurance for 6 months here, then go to Cali, switch title/reg to CA, get CA tags, switch insurance), figuring what order things will be shipped (paragraph on this below), figuring out if I'll have money to handle this huge ebb and flow of expenses and cash (I recently finished a decently-sized side project for $$$), consolidating all my miscellaneous incomes back to my bank (no more online poker or gambling, money is going straight back into my BoA), consolidating my servers (which was a complete success, I'm no longer spending $700, but $225 + Amazon's variable hosting costs (~$50)) ... and I've been in the midst of a huge transitional stage in the company on the technological front (we're shifting from one platform to our improved platform) ... I seriously feel like I'm going to go crazy soon.

This could explain the random binge drinking. Oops.

. . .

"Add it to the endless list of all the things we'll never ever know"

. . .

The new loft is one of the biggest things I'm excited about. I have a canvas to create. I don't consider myself an artist, nor do I consider myself a great expert on art ... but I do have very strong feelings about things that look "cool" (for the lack of a better word).

I've been spending a lot of time figuring out how to furnish it. Fortunately, my parents have been awesome enough to donate some of their furniture (they even bought me a new mattress and a sofabed as as "going away" present). They're basically giving me their dining room set, a dresser (in my room), the computer desk I work at, and the computer chair I have. Because the moving companies can't really get there close to when I'm landing in SD, I need a temporary place to sleep. After some research, I've found the best way I can accomplish this is to actually buy the sofa bed and have it delivered to my new place the day after I arrive (first night, I guess I can crash somewhere, maybe I'll impose on my new best friend Tim ;)).

The rest of the stuff can trickle in whenever the movers get there - once I get the car delivered, I'll have to go get parking for it set-up. I know the spot is about a mile from my place, so I'll have to figure out public transportation (or I could just walk I guess).

One thing that every bachelor needs is a nice entertainment system. I've been stressing over HDTVs ... originally I looked at LCDs, then I started looking at plasmas (sorry Jinshil!). Amazon has a Samsung 42" Plasma for ~$1380 which seems like a good starting point. I don't have plans on getting HDTV; I primarily want a nice TV so I can watch my huge DVD collection in luxury. Well, if I have a nice HDTV and standard DVDs I need a nice upconverting DVD player ($200) so I can watch my normal DVDs in 720i.

Well, if you're doing that, then I definitely need a nice speaker system so I get the full theater experience! I have a very college-y layout for the home theater part of the loft set-up (which includes the CRUCIAL "futon mattress on the ground!"

So basically I'm looking at $2,000 to drop to get my primo set-up up and running.

Which would be fine, except I actually need another $400 for another futon to 'frame' that section of the loft (like I said, I have very specific plans on how the loft should look).

(Takes a 10 minute break to mock something up in Photoshop)

I have Unit B on this image:

As you can see, it is 794square ft (I'm told it's about 27' x 27') and it's one big room. The black box in the middle of the room is pillar that runs through the room.

So after mulling over what do with the loft, I decided on this plan:

Two sofa beds can frame the entertainment area; there's a futon mattress on the ground so people can lie down and watch the TV as well - of course plenty of pillows. Both the sofa beds have various recline positions, so it could get very comfortable there. My huge books/DVD collection will be stored behind the entertainment center. I'll take a picture of my DVD collection tomorrow, but it's big. Both the sofa beds will be ordered this week and will be sent to deliver when I arrive. The entertainment center will also be ordered from Amazon and delivered directly there. That means the dining room set, mattress, desk, dresser, will be shipped via movers and may take some time to get home.

The pink "bar stools" area is an optional place I'd like to have. I'd just like a small higher table with barstools there to eat a small meal (the dining room table is a bit formal). The set would cost me about $500, so it's not really a high priority.

Han gave me the excellent idea of building some "ghetto yet trendy" DVD/book racks by buying a bunch of wooden planks and cinder blocks from Lowes. I really like the idea, so I'll build it once I'm over there in SD.

I've also been trying to decide what color I want to paint my loft. Ideally I'd do the painting before all my stuff got there, but I can't decide on a color. Maybe I'll take pictures of items that will be in my loft ad you guys can help me decide on a color scheme. I'm leanings towards a very light brown on the walls.

. . .

So today, with all these one-time expenses coming up, I decided it'd be a good time to reorganize my portfolio. This wasn't a minor shake-up, I dumped everything that was losing money to free up capital and apply the lessons I had learned over the last year from the stock market.

I bit the bullet on NXG and took an overall 8% loss (but I do plan on buying back in around the $3.20's again, because the company is excellent). I sold CUP for a loss of 33% (although that percentage was mitigated by the fact that I sold about a quarter of my original CUP holders at a ~15% gain). I sold off MRK (winning trade, picked up about 4%) and JOYG (neutral). Basically the only positions I'm holding are MPW (+33%) and WWW (+20%).

After starting the year with $8,000 in my Roth IRA, I ended the year at $6087 for a loss of roughly 25%. Ouchies. My problem? I put all my money into speculative stocks with no exit strategy. I remember when CUP was going astronomical whether to cash out then (for an easy $600 gain off of $3,000K investment) ... but I got greedy and kept it until it tanked. Should have sold. Likewise for PCU and NXG, I mistimed those jumps and overheld sagging shares (unfortunately for me, PCU has rebounded to its highs).

My general investment portfolio fared a bit better, partially because I would stop-loss at 8% any speculative plays (except NXG). Overall, I think I lost maybe 5% on the general investment fund for the year. What a pricey lesson on investing.

So my goal is to restructure my Roth IRA account with the following 3 holdings:

• Fidelity Europe Capital Appreciation, which seems like a safe enough "Europe is going to do better than America" bet
• Toyota Motors - I remember back in July when this was at $100 whether I should buy in, but I decided to buy MPW instead. Guess it wouldn't have mattered, since they both gained 33%. TW appeals to me because it's a stable large-cap, I feel their new cars (Prius) is going to continue to be a market leader for many years to come, and because it's in the Japanese economy. Whether or not Asia's economies all become powerhouses or not, I think diversifying my risk away from American companies towards Japanese companies isn't a bad thing here
• PetroChina Company Limited: Large-cap, stable, consistent dividends, China exposure, gas/oil exposure ... what more could I really want in the long term?

My goal for 2007 is to keep all three of these holdings from beginning to end (through thick and thin). As soon as I can put in more money for 2007 into my Roth IRA for 2008 ($4K), I'll be putting $2.5K into SPY and $1.5K into PCU (I can't resist)

2007 will be the year of the discipline in my Roth IRA account: I will buy these four and HOLD. The problem I had with my Roth IRA is I took on way too many speculative stocks in my Roth - why would I do this? It's dumb! I can't write off the losses as taxes (as I could in the general investment fund). So future reference: Risk goes into general investment fund because of tax write-offs, safe long-term bets go in to IRA.

In my general investment fund, I've freed up $4K by selling my whole NXG position (I continue to hold MPW and WWW). I'm going to keep $1.5K just in cash (I want to get back in on NXG around $3.20) to purchase NXG; the other $2.5K will be plowed into MPW (open up a huge second position). It's risky to continue taking a shot with this small-cap when there are safer bets like Ventas out there, but the divvie on MPW is nice (8% vs. 4% for VTR). I'm also convinced based on the stock price's rise with underlying buying volume support that this stock has a solid foundation in the $14 range.

My goal with the general investment fund is to still take a higher-risk route (I'm young still) because I'm still learning about investing through it all. It's fun to read about many companies and to know what's a good or bad business idea. I hope this'll be able to sense my business radar a bit more.