"For this reason loving involves commitment. We are not automatic lovers of self, others, world, or God. Love does not just happen. We are not love machines, puppets on the strings of a deity called "love." Love is a choice -- not simply, or necessarily, a rational choice, but rather a willingness to be present to others without pretense or guile. Love is a conversion to humanity -- a willingness to participate with others in the healing of a broken world and broken lives. Love is the choice to experience life as a member of the human family, a partner in the dance of life, rather than as an alien in the world or as a deity above the world, aloof and apart from human flesh."

- Carter Heyward

. . .

Until maybe last year, I always had a very me-first attitude. I do what I want, and if people don't want to cooperate or hang out, then screw them. I can probably attribute my great productivity along the web dev lines when I did this... it was so easy just to cut myself off whenever something wasn't going right.

But lately I've been finding that developing true relationships requires so much work. The quote above, I don't even mean "love" in the sense that a boyfriend tells a girl "I love you." Love, more generally ... like love within a family, love between friends, love between a mentor and a student. It's just so tough to be there for everybody who needs help. It really is a lot of work to be there for people. Recently I've been trying to bring people together and to be more proactive in being social, but I've also felt very unhappy with the way my personal projects have been going. It seems that either I'm pursuing success in life or success with people, and I can't do both at the same time.