I remember the first time I saw her. She had curly brown hair and pale white skin. Her name was Sarah. I remember being completely flattened by the way she carried herself - she had the cutest little giggle and she was always smiling. I told my then-friend Randy that I wanted to marry her. Years before Napoleon Dynamite imparted his wisdom upon the masses, Randy told me that in order to impress a girl, a guy has to demonstrate great skills. We pondered for a while what positive qualities I had. It would be far too difficult to show her my piano skills, and I wasn't particularly skilled in anything else (besides perhaps reciting the multiplication table).

We decided that I should play off my Asian stereotype and pretend to be a karate master. He brought out his Crayola crayons and held them at the ends - he then told me to do a clean karate chop. I obliged, and Randy now had one less fuschia crayon for playtime.

The next step was obviously a bit riskier, but could yield a greater windfall - the vaunted Number 2 pencil. Anybody could break a crayon in half, but the Number 2 Pencil... well... breaking one of those in half would yield in the satisfying SNAP of wood. I took out my pencil case and took out my Number 2 pencil. To be honest, I feared that I would break my hand, but Cupid gave me temporary inspiration (or blindness) to attempt this radical feat. A small crowd of boys gathered around to witness my triumph over having-no-skills.

Like a lumberjack splitting wood, I broke that Number 2 Pencil in half with such ease and skill that for that moment, I was King of the World.

"Sarah! Sarah, come look at what Roy's doing!"

She sauntered over in her overalls and her cute ballet shoes.

"What's he doing?"

"He's going to break a pencil with his fist, karate-style!"

"Oh."

Obviously she didn't understand the importance of such a feat. But she would understand.

This time, however, the boys decided that using two pencils would be far more impressive. I stared down the two pencils, trying to focus at the task at hand. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Sarah curiously tipping her head to see how well I would fare. My future marriage with her was on the line.

I gave a little cry and brought my fist down on the pencils. My friend Randy, who was holding the pencils, tipped his head away, in case any of the pencil shrapnel would scar his face, but I could see he had one eye on the pencil.

SNAP SNAP. VICTORY WAS MINE!

Soon afterwards, impressed by my bravado and my obviously virility (since we all know virility is defined by how well you can snap pencils karate-style), Sarah and I started "dating." I hung out at her house where I played "husband and wife" with her. We talked of the future - how we would get married and live in a big house with a white fence, and how we would have two dogs and three kids. I opened my heart to her and felt a true connection. MAYBE SHE WAS THE ONE!!!!!!!!1

But then next week she dumped me for my friend Randy.

Heartbreak at age 7. Such a shame.

And that was the story of my first girlfriend in second grade. Amusingly, my first kiss with a girl was in kindergarten. Man, I was a true playa back in elementary school... what happened?!