working on tabulas 1.0 ... i was thinking what drove me to work on this so much? i mean, i wasn't enjoying all the nitty gritty real work involved with some of the more complex parts of tabulas (a semi-CSS parser for one) ... it's not an inherent love to computers that i pursue all this.

i think i've come to realize what the deal is. i think that i've put so much into the internet, that tabulas is my "way out." i want to desperately exit the whole internet thing, but the only way i can do that is by making something that shows the culmination of my experience on the internet - in the way my summer photogallery summed up my life experiences for the summer - tabulas is the summation of everything i've learned thus far on the internet. it's the culmination of my theories and my experiences on the web.

tabulas _must_ be a success. i am putting my heart and soul into the success of tabulas. to show that "hey, i did something useful" with the whole internet thing.

but it's not what i want to do. nor is freelancing. it's too stressful dealing with stupid clients - grovelling over their money. and as much as i'd like to be considered an elite designer, i'm not. i will never pull a high salary as a designer, nor as a PHP scripter, nor a combination of the both.

so what do i want? i guess i've realized that i want to go to med school. or law school. or some sort of graduate school where i can get a better education. dare i say i want to live a normal life? nah, not quite yet.

in a same manner that people departing from a relationship need closure, i need closure from my love affair with the internet and websites. and i guess tabulas is the vehicle for that closure; if i can make a truly successful site, i can say "hey, i made a website that made money and was considered to be damn good. i went out on top."

i think i'm beginning to understand myself more.