working on tabulas 1.0 ... i was thinking what drove me to work on this so much? i mean, i wasn't enjoying all the nitty gritty real work involved with some of the more complex parts of tabulas (a semi-CSS parser for one) ... it's not an inherent love to computers that i pursue all this.

i think i've come to realize what the deal is. i think that i've put so much into the internet, that tabulas is my "way out." i want to desperately exit the whole internet thing, but the only way i can do that is by making something that shows the culmination of my experience on the internet - in the way my summer photogallery summed up my life experiences for the summer - tabulas is the summation of everything i've learned thus far on the internet. it's the culmination of my theories and my experiences on the web.

tabulas _must_ be a success. i am putting my heart and soul into the success of tabulas. to show that "hey, i did something useful" with the whole internet thing.

but it's not what i want to do. nor is freelancing. it's too stressful dealing with stupid clients - grovelling over their money. and as much as i'd like to be considered an elite designer, i'm not. i will never pull a high salary as a designer, nor as a PHP scripter, nor a combination of the both.

so what do i want? i guess i've realized that i want to go to med school. or law school. or some sort of graduate school where i can get a better education. dare i say i want to live a normal life? nah, not quite yet.

in a same manner that people departing from a relationship need closure, i need closure from my love affair with the internet and websites. and i guess tabulas is the vehicle for that closure; if i can make a truly successful site, i can say "hey, i made a website that made money and was considered to be damn good. i went out on top."

i think i'm beginning to understand myself more.
Posted by roy on June 21, 2003 at 11:01 PM | 6 Comments

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hkt (guest)

Comment posted on June 24th, 2003 at 11:18 AM
no matter if tabulas falls flat on its face, you'll still be on top. the mere feat of learning php roughly 1 week before starting is amazing in itself.

YOU'RE A GENIUS!
Comment posted on June 22nd, 2003 at 09:23 PM
i think you've already done something very useful with audiomatch :)
Comment posted on June 22nd, 2003 at 03:22 PM
lets both goto lawschool and open a firm together, I've actually been thinking abotu law school alot lately, muhahah, then we shall both drive m5's :-D
Comment posted on June 22nd, 2003 at 12:16 PM
sup roy...for some reason...my entries won't post when i view my site...any suggestions?
Comment posted on June 22nd, 2003 at 03:18 PM
hrm... you've probably set all your 'shoe' entries as 'stickied.' stickied entries show up first regardless. your recent entries are showing up on the second page.

just go to edit entries, and edit those shoe entries so they're not stickied.
Comment posted on June 22nd, 2003 at 09:04 AM
that makes perfect sense, but also realize that you start a new side project every other day. you're always gonna be doing those. nothing wrong with that, but i don't think you're gonna ''break from the internet'' anytime; ever