Ah, a moment of self-reflection. I've been running on fumes for a few weeks now - I partially burned out this past week. To a large degree, while rykorp has been doing much better than I imagined when I first started, the toughest part is that I still feel like I'm doing everything *alone*. I'm not sure the answer to this - I haven't been shy about pulling the trigger to discontinue contracts that aren't working out. 

The problem is I work... very hard. Too much for my own good, and my expectations for those around me is the same. I look at everything I create with much pride - everything I create and produce is a reflection of myself, and I want that to be the kind of mentality of the people I work with. But they're contractors. Or they have lives. This is the reality of it. 

I remember when I got my "executive profile" at MT - there were two (somewhat contrasting) personality traits that are at the core of my work self: the need to perfect (attention to detail), and the urgency to ship. I want to get things out FAST, but I also want them done VERY WELL. This struggle of where I draw the line is where I expend a lot of energy. I haven't shed that personality trait with rykorp. 

. . .

I got a message from a dear friend on FB today. I only post it because I've heard the same thing from all my friends (in other ways), but this is the most direct form: 

by the way, how are you doing?! i've been meaning to ask you, ever since your 'hitch' comment on FB i've been thinking.

roy is really one of the funniest (seriously), most kind, generous, and sweet guy i know. super smart, cute, dresses well, and gotta be dang ripped by now with all the workout routines i read about...has a cute, normal family, interested in bunch of cool stuff, has really interesting hobbies, interests, and cool travel stories. PLUS he's korean. i mean...this package doesn't come around often, maybe he has some really weird, serious psychological thing i don't know about.

I'm sure it's friends just being friends, but I keep hearing, "You're going to end up with some magnificent!" Every time I hear that, I also hear, "Why aren't you in a healthy relationship right now?" 

There is always that implied question of, "What's wrong with Roy? He seems like a great guy to date." 

It's something I've been thinking about for a while. This past year, I tried to put aside any excuses and date. I will say that I have been incredibly fortunate in that the women I've dated (I guess I'm up to 3 real ex-girlfriends now) are all incredible, incredible women. Better than I deserved. But all three relationships have ended due to my "lack of time." (the first one, seven years ago... a nice precursor to the recent two). 

I'm too career-oriented. And while I knew that, I thought I could balance that out this year. I couldn't. Or they couldn't handle it. 

And with every relationship that ends, it becomes harder and harder for me to want to date. I can handle getting hurt, but I can't handle hurting somebody else - especially when I know when going into a relationship that it's doomed. 

. . .

So it kind of goes around full circle. If things were going better at the company, and I felt like I had a better support network there where things would run without me having my fingers in everything, I could feel like I could grow that part of the company more. But I don't feel like that. I'm too detailed-oriented - too much of a perfectionist, to see diluted work coming out of rykorp's development cycle. 

And the saddest part of this is I don't see this ending in 2012. As hard as 2011 was, I think 2012 is going to be harder. 

. . .

So this year? I'm not going to be naive enough to completely swear off relationships. But I don't think I can do anything more than casual relationships. 

This year saw the end of two relationships in a seven-month span, and both of them were really, really hard on me. I'm not sure I can deal with ending another one. 

. . .

So as is the case with how I deal with bad things, I'm running away. I set a bunch of travel plans for the upcoming year. I won't deal with my problems by just overwhelming myself with activities. That sounds really healthy.