Life never gets simpler - maybe that's why as I get older, I keep trying to find simplicity in everything. 

I've been a bit "off" lately - for various personal reasons, but a big part of it's been rykorp-related. I've been trying to pin down why, and I think I've figured out why. 

I remember back when I was working at MT, how lonely I felt a lot of the times. Looking at my life now... the loneliness is a lot worse. I've near given up ever finding someone who will understand the burden of my career - being an adult is truly about being alone. 

The complexity of being solely responsible for everything's been compounded by the fact that I now have responsibility over some semblance of a payroll - I have 6 or 7 people I pay every month before I pay myself. It's an odd feeling to think that others are relying on you for their own financial security. 

The good news? I'm over my addiction towards a paycheck - I'm used to paychecks being irregular. Phew. 

I think it's hard enough doing your own start-up - but at rykorp, I'm not just building the company for myself, but I'm building out the hopes and dreams of OTHER people. 

These people have put up cash and their time into risky ventures that have a low probability of success (a generalization about startups in general - I believe that every company I work with will make it to the top) and trusted ME with the execution of their vision. 

That is a really scary thought. I'm running without a safety net, and if I fail... nobody to blame but myself. But as scary as that sounds, it's also a riveting feeling - like the rush you feel when you do something dangerous (doubing down on an 11 against a face card on a hot dealer). And you know me - while I'm not an action junkie, I constantly need something to keep me moving in my life. 

The dangerous part of this whole endeavor - I'm the type of guy who cares more about other people than my own welfare. This manifests itself in a lot of different ways (as my close friends can attest), but this thought occured to me: if I had to choose between letting one of my clients fail, or letting rykorp fail... I would gladly choose the second. 

Letting my own dreams fail - sure I'll be hard on myself, but I'll get over it. 

But letting the dreams of others fail? That's not an option. While I'm over the personal issues I had with MT, there was a big part of me that was not only angry, but also felt guilty - maybe I could have spent an extra hour each night planning ahead... and maybe things would have turned out different. 

This is what keeps me up at night lately.