I've been going through some self-examination on where I stand in terms of morality lately.

A few weeks ago, I started looking for another home church in SD, but I've given up (once again). I can say that Korean churches are the most awful thing ever - they all seem encompassed by drama of some sort, which really detracts from what you're really there for.

In high school, I was the closest thing to being a religious fanatic, and I look back now at embarassment towards that time. My thinking was so judgemental and high-and-mighty (when I hadn't proved anything at all). Part of that rubbed off in college, when I started disliking the church when I saw the hypocrisy of people claiming to be good Christians, and being anything but in real life. I saw too many people trying to give off the external image of being a good Christian, while hiding a part of their life that I didn't feel was consistent with the teachings.

My church had a huge split my sophomore year of college, and I pretty much stopped going after that. Since then, I haven't seen much to re-encourage my faith in churches - my parents church had some drama, and the offshoot of the church I used to go to has gone through some massive drama lately, too.

I tried out two churches in the SD area, and tried to find a connection to the churches, but I couldn't. The messages weren't consistent with my thinking towards life anymore. I've grown far less interested in the salvation of my soul (far too esoteric).

It's really no surprise that by the my old standards, I've grown far more obsessed with worldly things. Focusing on success, career, and finding happiness in the material things of this world would have been frowned down upon by past Roy.

A short tangent: one important distinction I've distinguished over the past year has been the concept of "nice" and "good." I used to be obsessed with being a "nice" guy, but now I realize how misguided that was. Conceptually, I had confused with being "nice" with being "good", which I believe is a moral imperative for all humans. To me, goodness is about improving the lives of the people around you and not taking advantage of people, whether it's people you know or complete strangers. Goodness can manifest itself in "nice" actions, which is why I confused being "nice" with being "good."

But now, like religion, people wrap themselves with that "nice" moniker when they're just projecting an image of being nice. Trying to be nice is being interested in others' perceptions of you, while being good is done with the interest of self-satisfaction without caring what others think of it.

Trying to be a nice guy ended up with me being a passive-aggressive spineless person at the mercy of others feelings. It's almost worse in terms of personal growth, as you're layering in an additional layer to your personality that hides your true character. And for what end? I want to be good, and if people think I'm nice because of it, that's cool. But goodness is an internal imperative that tries to breed an unselfish attitude towards the world.

Back on topic. The pursuit of materialism and the worldly things is not without a downside: overfocusing on that aspect of life makes you overly selfish and shuts you off from making the world a better place.

To me, I'm tempering my worldly pursuits with an increased emphasis on trying to be good - this is the balance that I'll need to maintain in my life to stay grounded.

Random acts of kindness, acts of private generosity, discovering truth, and attempting to understand the plights (big & small) of those around you and acting to help are imperatives that drive my life.

. . .

So what about morality? What's stupid of me in the past was that I used to think that the personal actions of those around you defined their morality. I used to look down upon people who drank, smoked, did recreational drugs, gambled, chased women, and such.

I think the biggest shift in my thinking lately is that I no longer apply a moral filter to the actions of people around me. People choose the decisions they make, and it's none of my business to judge them based on those actions. As long as you're truthful and honest about who you are, and what you do doesn't hurt others, go wild! (Spoken like a true Libertarian, I suppose)

I can say that my compass of personal actions is quite a bit different than what I expected. We'll continue to see how much I change.

. . .

The one thing I will still be disapproving of are people who don't try to reach their potential, or try to improve themselves. We live in the greatest country in the world, at the pinnacle of humanity, with the resources and tools to make an impact in so many different ways.

Conan's quote from his final show is awesome:

"All I ask of you is one thing, and I’m asking this particularly of young people: please don’t be cynical. I hate cynicism- it’s my least favorite quality and it doesn’t lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you’re kind, amazing things will happen."

Figure out what you want to do. Work hard at it. Be a good person. Make the world a better place. That's it.

My favorite quote comes from Barbara Hall, and has been something I want to abide more towards (it's so simple!):

You're alive. Do something. The directive in life, the moral imperative was so uncomplicated. It could be expressed in single words, not complete sentences. It sounded like this: Look. Listen. Choose. Act.