damien told me to check out the new kanye single. holy kanye, it's amazing.

i'm not lovin' you, the way I wanted to
what I had to do, had to run from you
i'm in love with you, but the vibe is wrong
and that haunted me, all the way home

so ya never know, never never know
never know enough, 'till it's over love
'till we lose control, system overload
screamin' no no no, no no

i ain't lovin you, the way i wanted to
see I wanna move, but can't escape from you
so i keep it low, keep a secret code
so everybody else dont have to know

so keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down
you keep ya love locked down, you lose

i'm not lovin you, the way i wanted to
i can't keep my cool, so i keep it true
i got something to lose, so i gotta move
i can't keep myself, and still keep you too
so i keep in mind, when i'm on my own
somewhere far from home, in the danger zone
how many times did it take 'till I finally got through
you lose, you lose

i ain't lovin you, the way i wanted to
see i had to go, see i had to go
no more wasting time, we can't wait for life
which is wasting time, where's the finish line

so keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down
you keep ya love locked down, you lose

i'm not lovin you, the way i wanted to
i met no one new, i got no one new
no i said i'm through, but got love for you
but i'm not loving you, the way i wanted to
gotta keep it going, keep the loving going
keep it on a roll, only god knows
am i into you, baby i'm confused
you choose, you choose

i ain't lovin you, the way i wanted to
way i want to go, i dont need you
i been on this road, too many times before
i ain't lovin you, the way i wanted to

so keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down
keepin ya love locked down, you lose...

this song reminded me of a pretty bad situation back from CH ... long-time readers will be reminded of the "jack & jill" episodes - my whole situation with jill seems to be captured in this song. looking back, i was such an indecisive weakling. i should have just asked her straight-up, instead of dancing around the topic.

oh the things you learn. speaking of personal growth, i really feel like i've matured significantly since moving here. it's funny, cause i thought the absence of personal connections and relationships would really hamper that growth. i guess i found what i needed my job.

my mom said i should be careful and not care so much about my coworkers (she was surprised at what lengths i went to cover a couple coworkers) ... maybe my yearning to feel some sort of human connection has twisted things in some weird fashion and made me a more caring coworker. weird.

a lot of personal things (not work-related, for once!) have been running through my mind lately. for the most part, i think i made the right decisions in not pursuing social relationships over the past year and a half ... but i have to say that there does feel like a huge gaping hole in my life.

i have to say though, for the first time in a long time, i just feel a ton more positivity in my life. i know the next few months will be hell-ish (to say the least), but i'm feeling really good about it.