roy

Life is a bell curve. Most of us have to accept that we will live mediocre lives at mediocre jobs with mediocre skillsets. As much as we try to escape the gravity of normalcy, most of us won't. Looking back at my hopes when I was younger versus who I am now, I really thought I could be the guy at the complete end of the curve. How many guys like me didn't make it as far as we'd have liked? 

Statistics brings out the cynical me.

My biggest hope is to be at the right end of that normal distribution - to be somebody unique who accomplished something not many other people did. My biggest fear, as I've written in the past, is losing control over my mind (going crazy). I space out far too often - and I wonder what the physiological reason for that is (I believe that everything that my body does has a purpose). Lately, I've been wondering whether my hope and my fear are colliding in my world.

I've made a lot of sacrifices, and I wonder how much longer my personality can bear the brunt of my self-imposed exile from normalcy. A lot of my "weird" behavior is attributed to my belief that by acting outside the normal bounds, I might be able to escape mediocrity. I used to be able to distinguish the weird and the normal behaviors, but lately I've been having trouble seeing the line. How much longer can I go on with avoiding friends and relationships? (Lately I've been very much feeling the pangs of loneliness as I reminsce about my college years.)

Sacrificing for your career is nothing new (nor unique); there are tons of people who have discovered it was wrong. There has to be something wrong with me if I'm choosing a path of self-destruction which nobody claims brings happiness, knowing full well the consequences.

The worst is when you think you're the hot shit, but you're really not. That's what I have to keep reminding myself every day - I'm not as unique as I'd like to be, which only drives me harder down a path I know is futile, and every time, it kills a little something inside.