Guys want to play God. This manifests itself in some guys as what girls perceive as an obsession: be it with Star Wars knowledge, a card collection, an obsession with work, or more broadly, any time-consuming activity regarding a skill.

Given the lack of any superhuman abilities that would let us actually *be* Gods, we look for completeness or perfection as a satisfactory compromise. How often have you heard, "I just need ___ to complete me/this collection?"

I've wondered why I've completely lost the will to date. It's easy to always dismiss that because of my work schedule, but I don't think that's the case. You can always make time - if you say you can't, you're simply hiding the truth from yourself.

I remember back at Carolina when we were talking about the chillest professor - I heard all these stories that the guy was a firehead in his younger days as professors.

I wonder if guys chill out as they grow older because they lose the will to prove themselves. I remember when I was younger (and started neopages.com as a competitor to citysearch.com) back in high school, I was incredibly motivated, driven, and I wasn't afraid to show it. I was the most competitive in elementary and middle school - when I was trying to prove to my peers that I was the smartest kid in the class (which is why I don't really hold a grudge against the bullies, since I deserved some humility). I still find myself in this mental state quite often - I want to change the world. I, alone. Me, myself, and I.

I know, in the back of my mind, that changing anything in this world requires so much work, power, luck, and connections. It's nearly futile. The internet, if anything, has taught me how transient "success" is - remember how successful Geocities, Friendster, and StileProject were? Where are they now?

I wonder as I grow older, if I'll accept this futility and accept my mediocrity. If I accept my mediocrity, I'll stop giving my life in pursuit of some higher level of "success." I'll stop trying to change the world.

If I accept mediocrity, that would sure free up a lot of time to pursue relationships. My one relationship was with an incredibly independent girl, who didn't demand much from me - but still it failed because I took it for granted. I took it for granted to focus on my own personal success.

I always wondered why some obviously talented guys go down the path of medicine and law. I mean this, in no way, a diss to people who go to these schools ... but realistically, how many doctors make a huge impact in the world around them? My friend, a budding doctor at Duke, tells me that most of the cases he sees are for drug-seeking addicts or fat people with heart problems. It's not as noble of a profession as I once believed. So why do smart, driven, talented guys seem to flock to these professions?

A doctor probably provides the easiest route to fulfilling this need to play God - you have another person's life(style) in your hands. What you say becomes the absolute truth to them ...

I guess the conclusion to this rant (if there is one to be made) is that guys who still feel the need to "prove" themselves are a dangerous bunch (and I'm still firmly in this group). We're probably the most destructive and the least likely to have successful relationships.

How sad is that?

Posted by roy on April 9, 2007 at 02:37 PM in Personal | 24 Comments

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Comment posted on April 9th, 2007 at 07:44 PM
you're gay.
Comment posted on April 9th, 2007 at 07:44 PM
oops, your gay.
Comment posted on April 9th, 2007 at 05:55 PM
Remember when I asked you about purpose in life, and one of the answers you gave me was happiness. So the question you've got to ask yourself is this, will pursuing this higher level of success bring you 'personal happiness'. That is, will it make 'you' happy, or will it merely fulfill some need that family and society beat into your head over the years?

Maybe for some, success equals happiness. Maybe for some, being doctor is playing God. But after you've achieved your success through hard work and still feel something is wrong, then you know that success is not your goal in life. Say you worked at the Trojan condom factory designing cutting edge condoms... I don't know where I'm going with that one.

I'll use me as an example. I know if I sold a million smoothies today, I would still be pissed off at every customer that comes in because the job is so unfulfilling. So fuck'em. Life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness. The pursuit of happiness, define the happiness, be specific, then pursue it. whether it leads to success is another matter. If you pursue it actively, that is not living in mediocrity, no matter the outcome in the physical world. In your mind is where you will know for sure.

There are many illusions present in our lives that cloud our minds. So if you're pursuing something so fervently, yet you still feel empty inside, you're probably pursuing the wrong thing.
Just don't be too stubborn or too hard on yourself sir. That's advice I need to heed too.

And if you get that job at Trojan in the research dept developing cutting edge condoms, try to hook me up with a job too. I've always wanted to live a life filled with the prevention of sexual transmitted diseases through intercourse.
Comment posted on April 10th, 2007 at 12:08 AM
This post wasn't intended to be one on success v. happiness, but re-reading it, I guess it kinda devolved there.

I'm perfectly happy with what I do and who I am, but I wonder if this happiness that I've set myself up for right now will continue in the long run.

It seems that, even if I'm happy now, eventually I'll want to settle for the other things in life, and I'm wondering out loud whether that will be possible without accepting mediocrity on some leve.
Comment posted on April 9th, 2007 at 05:36 PM
your not 2pac
Comment posted on April 9th, 2007 at 05:48 PM
you live in gwinnett
Comment posted on April 9th, 2007 at 06:34 PM
your 2pac
Comment posted on April 9th, 2007 at 06:49 PM
you don't live in gwinett
Comment posted on April 9th, 2007 at 08:11 PM
YES! < pity partay > why would i live there? success lives there. < / pity partay >
Comment posted on April 9th, 2007 at 04:46 PM
roy... your not the type of person to define a successful life around a or a number of relationships. Each person defines it differently. Just because Wilt slept with 10k, doesn't make you a worse boyfriend.

with that said.. stop slacking off and make tabulas better you bum.
Comment posted on April 10th, 2007 at 12:24 AM
ok, a more serious response:

"roy... your not the type of person to define a successful life around a or a number of relationships. Each person defines it differently. Just because Wilt slept with 10k, doesn't make you a worse boyfriend."

i know for a fact that all of us have hopes and dreams (i know you have them as well).

i'm not trying to define success or happiness in this case - what i want to know is, if we, as individuals, hold ourselves to high standards, how can we ever be happy living a life at a 9-5 job (like most of us will) for somebody else ... when at some point we had these great aspirations for achievements in corporation/engineering/etc?
Comment posted on April 9th, 2007 at 04:51 PM
DAMNIT WHY DO YOU ALWAYS USE YOUR AND YOU'RE INCORRECTLY?????

:)
Comment posted on April 9th, 2007 at 05:02 PM
its not that nazi boy... its that i dont use apostrophes.. or however the hell you spell them.
Comment posted on April 9th, 2007 at 06:50 PM
even w/o apostrophes it'd be "youre" not "your"
Comment posted on April 9th, 2007 at 06:53 PM
nazi
Comment posted on April 9th, 2007 at 04:10 PM
hmm....success and mediocrity are such relative terms. for example, i certainly consider saving just one person's life a bigger success than programming something like friendster. just because i don't think you can put a value on someone's life. there is no way in heck, that i would trade any of my love one's life for friendster.

i've been on both sides of what you're describing. five years ago, i wanted nothing more than to be a housewife b/c i consider motherhood one of the hardest and most noble role as a woman. now, i'm striving to succeed in the corporate world, hoping i can make some kind of mark within my industry. the two different roles are incomparable. what i consider important is that i do my best and be the best in whichever role i choose. that is my definition of success.

what i've learned in the past few years is that life throws you into all kinds of twists and turns. nothing is ever easy or set in stone. part of growing up is to learn how to adapt and still figure out what is best to do in your current situation. you also learn that what you once wanted so badly is not really all that great. and no one can really validate someone's life but that person.

i know your 'group' pretty well, actually. and yes, it does include doctors too. ;) the fact is proving yourself as a 'successful' person is worth more to you than a 'successful' relationship. it does not have to be a sad thing if that is what's most important to you. because really, without your kind, i don't think there would have been an einstein or a columbus or [fill in the blank]. if your hunger for this type of success exceeds your desire for a successful relationship, you would be cheating yourself by sacrificing your focus on your own personal success. that is, for now, as long as you feel this way.

good post, btw.
Comment posted on April 10th, 2007 at 12:11 AM
thanks.

i definitely feel like there's nothing wrong with the pursuit of a professional life ... my bigger lingering question is: "will this happiness with my life and the pursuit of technical excellent continue to hold for me over the next ten years?"

on one hand, i know that real success (for the sake of simplicity, i'll define success very specifically as the widespread adoption of the tools i build to foster communities and share information) is very rare. i'm going to have to continue to bust my ass for the foreseeable future.

if i "fail" (failure being defined as the "not succeeding", which means most likely i will fail), can i be happy accepting the other things in life? it seems that if i turn to other things for happiness, i'll be selling out 2007 roy (my mindset right now) for the sake of mediocrity ...

i wonder hope i'll cope ;)
Comment posted on April 9th, 2007 at 03:30 PM
oh and on the subject of proving yourself, i think as you get older it's not that you want to stop proving that you can do things, it's that you really stop caring what others think, so while you still want to prove you can make things happen, you do it on your own time and when you feel like it, whether or not that's satisfying enough for someone else...does that make any sense? you're not accepting mediocrity, you're just not letting the need to rise above it dominate your life. maybe as you get older you realize there are more important things, or maybe you've just done it all and you're tired of all the work. i don't know. i think we're still too young to be at that point in our lives...in reality we haven't accomplished all that much except graduate from unc (well you've done a bit more than most with your projects).
Comment posted on April 10th, 2007 at 12:22 AM
"you're not accepting mediocrity, you're just not letting the need to rise above it dominate your life. maybe as you get older you realize there are more important things, or maybe you've just done it all and you're tired of all the work."

to me, these almost seem like excuses. i've always strongly believed that self-deception plays a huge role in success and being able to live with oneself - i know i've made tons of excuses to myself (and i still do) which protect myself from too much agony ... how often do dreamers do it and eventually let their dreams die?

i know my parents love me, and i also know my dad is an exceptionally brilliant and hardworking man. i can't imagine that when he was my age, he dreamed of having to fly back home every other weekend, working at a chemistry job in kansas city.

i think the reality is that almost none of us (and this seems to be based on all those late night waho/drunken conversations), that us guys all have these great aspirations and dreams to "live the life."

but the reality is that 20 years from now, we're going to be married with two kids in suburbia, paying down the mortgage, working a 9-5.

somehow that doesn't sit well with me right now.
Comment posted on April 10th, 2007 at 01:14 PM
i can definitely understand where you're coming from. clearly not all of us can have our fantasy lives. most of us will probably end up short-changing ourselves in our own eyes for any number of reasons, but i feel like if you spend all your time wondering "what if" then you'll just always be miserable.

maybe i'm lucky in the fact that i don't have as a big desire to "live the life" as others might. i know that i'd be perfectly happy to settle down right now with the love of my life and have hose 2 kids in suburbia. it sits right with me...i relish stability and comfort...does that make me weak and un-ambitious? maybe to some, but to me that's a kind of life worth sacrificing for, and so from my point of view it's the most ambitious project i'll ever have, if that makes any sense. to each his own i guess.
Comment posted on April 9th, 2007 at 03:26 PM
wanting to be a doctor for idealistic reasons like changing the world is very misguided. you really have to enjoy the subject...enjoy science and medicine, like interacting with people, all that jazz, or else it's not going to be fulfilling at all. and you really have to be content with making small changes. you have to be realistic. i think a lot of "smart, driven, talented guys" flock to medicine and law because of a combination of those reasons and because the professions are simply viewed as prestigious in our society. you get a lot of respect for that kind of job, and if you like doing it, then why not? of course, you have to mention that they're traditional high-paying jobs; once you're on the track, you're pretty much guaranteed to make a healthy amount of money (as opposed to people who make it big in business, where it seems to be more hit-or-miss with more luck involved).
Comment posted on April 10th, 2007 at 12:16 AM
godwin, you know i think you're awesome, so don't take anything i write too much gravitas :)

"... because the professions are simply viewed as prestigious in our society. you get a lot of respect for that kind of job, and if you like doing it, then why not?"

it almost seems the choice to become a doctor is the default safe route. something i've noticed among post-graduates who go into graduate studies (and this is actually more prevalent in non-medicinal fields) is the total lack of passion. people go to dental school or law school for exactly the reasons you stated above - prestige, safeness, and good money.

but where is the passion? doctors will change individual lives ... but where is the greater yearning for impact on society as a whole? are doctors simply those that have realized how futile that search is and have settled for micro-impacting society (by affecting individual people's lives?)

in general i've been more frustrated than anything to see some genuinely talented, creative, bright people choose the riskless, easy path to success that lacks passion.
Comment posted on April 10th, 2007 at 01:04 PM
why can't a doctor be passionate about "micro-impacting society"? to me i can envision no greater joy than seeing my patients get better under my care. just because a doctor doesn't try to change the world doesn't mean there's a lack of passion in their work.

you are right, becoming a doctor is relatively safe via job security and pay, but people who become doctors/lawyers/dentists solely for those reasons end up hating their jobs, and you can see it in their eyes. i'd like to think that for the majority of us, we're in it for more.
Comment posted on April 10th, 2007 at 02:54 PM
"why can't a doctor be passionate about "micro-impacting society"?"

i'm saying a doctor's sole purpose is microimpacting (individuals), not macroimpacting (society).

they certainly can be passionate - and i think there are passionate doctors out there. but my fear is that most people go into it for the wrong reasons.