I'm always trying to invent new phrases.... to really contribute something useful to human culture. I mean, if you met the guy who invented WHHAAASSSUUUUPPP wouldn't you be in awe? I would buy that man (or woman) two drinks of their choice if I met them in a bar.

So while sitting on the can today (where my best thinking is done), I was playing with a few ideas. What are some novel ways of greeting somebody? Obviously, since I was engaged in "Activity #2," my thoughts revolved around pooping.

I think you can tell a lot about a person from their poops. Are you poops well-formed and solid? If you haven't been eating well, your poops may start hedging into the liquid territory, which means instead of calling it a "doing a number 2," you might call it "doing a number 1.65." Obviously 1.5 would be dead even between solid and liquid, while a "1.2" might indicate some internal troubles (or that you've had too much Taco Bell).

So why don't we start asking each other, "How are your defecations? Are they coming out easy and solid?" This is a much more specific question than "How's it going" or "What's up" (which always leads me to a few seconds while I decide whether I want to answer honestly). You can easily answer the poop question. "My bowel movements are quite regular, thank you!" Hearing this would indicate to you that the other person is healthy and eating well, which should be the bare minimum you should wish (if you're a caring human being).

This reminds me of a story my freshman year. One Saturday morning, I woke up having to pee. I went into our communal bathroom (shared between eight guys). As soon as I walked into the bathroom, a mild fetid aroma tickled me. I looked over in the toilet, and there was this turd. One turd. It was slightly off-color, but the amazing thing was that it was one long turd. It was not segmented ... I immediately flushed the toilet in disgust (why wouldn't somebody flush?) and went about to peeing.

As soon as the toilet stopped flushing, my suitemate comes running into the bathroom.

"DUDE, did you just flush the toilet???"

"Of course I did, man. Somebody didn't flush after their poopsies."

"DID YOU SEE THE TURD???"

"yeah..."

"Dude, wasn't it amazing? It was so long! Normally you shit in pieces, but I just had ONE long turd last night! I didn't flush it so somebody could see it and vouch for me!"

And that's my story.

. . .

Today's video of the day: The Japanese conspiracy to make white people look stupid.