I remember a few years ago, a person I once knew graduated from Carolina and fell off the face of the planet. This person, although still in Chapel Hill, was nearly inaccessible. I thought that was the oddest thing - why would a person cut themselves off from the world so completely?

I've followed in those footsteps lately. Since January/February, I've fallen off the face of the planet. At first, it was a nice break to get some alone time ... but I've been reminded lately how unhealthy and weird it is to be so reclusive. The situation's compounded because I also work from home, which means I really have no social contact at all. The past few weeks, I turned off my cell phone completely, and I stopped attending most social events I had been apart of.

People find this behavior odd, and when asked why I've cut myself off from the world completely, I'm never sure what to say. I don't think I'm depressed, and I'm not going through anything. At first, it was just more convenient to not have to deal with other people. Then as I thought about it some more, I tried to justify my behavior by saying that people dissappointed me. (What a cop-out answer, by the way). In the past, there had been many instances (and you people who have access to my friends-only entries know what I'm talking about) where I felt I had been wronged. But honestly, who doesn't go through those feelings?

So what is the real reason I've cut myself off so completely? The conclusion (at the moment) seems to be that I feel I've dissappointed a lot of people. Who I am, what I do, and how I act ... all aren't where I wanted to be a few years ago.

I just can't face the fallen expectations of my peers. It seems to be as simple as that. What really sucks is that it's a vicious cycle - I don't want to hang out with people because I can't face them ... then I get cut out when they needed my help, then I feel guilty and don't want to face people even more... etc. etc.

If only I had one of these:

Currently listening to: The All-American Rejects - Dance Inside
Posted by roy on July 5, 2006 at 04:42 AM in Personal | 8 Comments

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Comment posted on July 5th, 2006 at 11:28 PM
that video was dope
I was getting excited when the cardboard came out

poplock, bboying, locking
old school!!!

i love it
dancing is good for the soul~
James Brown - Get Up Offa That Thing
Comment posted on July 5th, 2006 at 08:10 PM
Awesome video. Thanks for sharing. And keep those fingers dancing, Roy. Your posts are so thoughtful and observant. You impress me at every turn (read: you've never disappointed me).
Comment posted on July 5th, 2006 at 03:09 PM
I've got two of those "easy" buttons. I really like the way the guys says "that was easy." When I purchased it and the girl rang it up real fast and I had the correct change, I said "that was easy." She just stared at me. Didn't even make the connection. Sometimes I wonder why I waste my time trying to entertain people. :-)
Comment posted on July 6th, 2006 at 03:45 AM
haha! i can't believe she didnt' get it! well, you entertained ME there ... so =)
Comment posted on July 5th, 2006 at 01:16 PM
Easy buttons were on sale the last time I was in Staples. No one was buying them, so they were marked down. Five dollars will get you one, but I think you'll find that no real problems can ever be solved so simply.
Comment posted on July 5th, 2006 at 10:40 AM
don't fall off the face of the planet. you can't keep avoiding your problems. you are taking the easy way out by avoiding people...but sooner or later you're going to have to deal with them. and it annoys me to have to deal with people who aren't willing to confront people or their problems (i.e. my roommate who still hasn't told me when she's moving out and hasn't told our other roommate that she's even moving out at all!) roy, you're better than that.
Comment posted on July 6th, 2006 at 03:46 AM
the problem is, i do confront people when i have problems. the thing is, after i confront them, i just don't feel the need to work things out, so i just stop caring.
Comment posted on July 5th, 2006 at 06:45 AM
awww.. yet you came out for dinner with me! =). i feel specials!