I planned on taking tonight easy and get some early rest - I've been really struggling to make meaning out of everything happening in life right now. However, plans changed when I got a call around 11 from friends urging me to come out to a bar with them. I decided a change of scenery might be good, so I headed over there.

After some drinking, I headed out a bit early to clear my head and wait for everyone to wind down. I got a good 45 minutes of alone time in the north quad of the Carolina campus where I mused about my current predicament(s).

It's so tough to finding meaning in my life. I slave away for hours a day in front of a computer - for what? Assuming the company I work becomes one of the 5% that survives past year 5, what have I accomplished with my life? Even Tabulas which has been my pride and joy doesn't seem to measure up very well in my mind as a noble project. It's all a matter of perception.

It strikes me that I've been so passive in my life. One of my personal faults that I'm cognizant of and have been trying so hard to fix is my sense of entitlement. No one is entitled to anything in this world - every day I have to remind myself that I am one of the lucky people in this world to live with a roof over my head in a loving family with supportive friends getting paid in doing something I truly enjoy (for the time being).

This sense of entitlement leads to a complacency - I am ashamed to say that most of my "great" life achievements were almost never initiated by me. The skills I picked up in grade school were all my parents' doing. My freelance designing that I did throughout high school and college was the result of someone approaching me on eLance with the offer. My biggest web design job that led to enough money for me in going to Vietnam and Korea ... I only got that cause the VP of that company proactively searched out web design firms in NC and I was the first to respond back. My one relationship with a girl I cared deeply about was initiated by her, although I liked her. She had to sit my ass down and say "Look, you like me, I like you, let's do something about it." My job was the result of Konrad name-dropping me to the current Director of Operations.

I'm too happy to sit back and enjoy the fruits of my life, and honestly I feel ashamed for a lot of it. There are so many people who would kill for the opportunities I've had, yet I continue to squander many opportunites and live in a world where I foolishly assume that I am #1.

It has got to stop.

Already my arrogance and close-mindedness in meeting new people have led to the biggest regret of the past few years - (those of you who were lucky enough to read my "Dear Jane Doe" post a while ago will know what I'm talking about - don't bother searching for it anymore, I've made it private). Tonight I felt a rush of emotions as I realized how little I've felt I've accomplished so far. The muse in my life has lit a spark under my ass, and now I feel like I need to do something.

It's almost like I'm just living to die (yes, I'm still listening to that song). What's the purpose of that?

How different would my life be if I had just made the effort months ago?

My advice to everybody: Don't be afraid to take your shots. With new opportunites, with new people, with anything. Don't be conservative. Otherwise you may find yourself online at 4am screaming out into the void of cyberspace, hoping to find an answer.