Originally this was a friends-only post ... but what the hell. I have no shame :)

I've always been a hopeless romantic, although I didn't realize this until I started dating my first girlfriend. Quite happily the relationship was mutually terminated during this summer ... we realized our differences were too great to take the relationship to the next level. But I gotta say that I learned so much and had such a great time in the relationship... I don't regret a single minute of it.

After the split, I started immersing myself in a world of work and guy friends. I told myself, "No more girls." And for a while, everything was good.

Of course, all good things (har har) come to an end, and when it came, it crashing down around me. At first, it started off as one of those normal crushes ... but it soon progressed into an infatuation. I've fought the infatuation tooth and nail not only because I didn't want it, but also because the infatuation was not right for my current situation.

Almost every minute of the day I spend trying to push this girl out of my head. Out out out! But I can't. The very act of pushing her out only brings her image to the forefront. Why? Why must this stupid crush start over?

In my heart, I am a hopeless romantic. I do believe that you are fated to meet your one regardless of your situation and that no matter what happens, you will be meet up. Maybe that's why I can never let go of these crushes.

But I gotta say, for being so emotionally dry over the past weeks, it is nice to have some sort of emotions. The highs when you're around her to the lows when you're trying to end the infatuation on your own. I remember my very few serious infatuations, and I would say this one ranks up there so far... but we'll see how long it lasts.

Why must I have these feelings? Why do I have to have these foolish hopeless feelings and thoughts? The reality of life will probably rip apart these feelings... maybe I'm just looking for heartbreak. For drama.

I keep telling myself that she's out of my league .. that I'm not good enough for her. It helps to put yourself down to get yourself over a girl ... but is it really healthy to knock your self-esteem down like that?

In any case ... let's all hope I can get over this. For my sake ... I can't focus on anything... except pushing her out of my mind.

It's getting so bad I can barely focus when I play poker. I went out on the 5th hand yesterday and the 3rd hand today. It's tough...