I guess it's a part of growing up - realizing not everything is black and white. Most of you know I've suffered from insomnia for the last few years - I've been on and off multiple sleeping pills.

Those nights when I just laid in bed and thought, I would think about a multitude of things - some of them personal, most of them not-so-personal.

The personal questions that tugged at my heart were the result of low self-esteem that was bred throughout my middle and high school years. Leaving high school early was an escape to me, thinking college would be different.

Of course, I found out the hard way that the problem was with me, not with the world. This set the stage for a transformation within myself ... to quit laying the blame on others. Unfortunately, it still is a recurring problem that I am constantly battling ...

My self-esteem issues were really eliminated by my ex-girlfriend and my relationship with her. The relationship opened my eyes to the whole female-male interaction, how things work with girls, and just helped me become comfortable with myself. We are all flawed; there is no reason to hide these flaws.

My relationship with my ex was truly a blessing - and it still is. We still go out and eat dinner once a week and just talk about stuff. I still feel very much that she understands me and I can talk to her without being judged. I have grown up so much with her help, whether she realizes it or not.

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The non-personal issues were related primarily with political and social issues. Where did I stand on abortion? Was the death penalty really right? Is America's current international political stance right?

Through my tortuous thought processes, I learned a few things. When I was younger, the world was simple - right and wrong. If I did something right, my parents would smile. If I did something wrong - I would get a spanking. As I grew older, right and wrong became shades of gray.

The world is such a complex place, and the issues that face our political and personal lives are questions which most likely cannot be answered fully. I used to be a gungho about defending my politics and views, but I've done so less over the past few weeks.

I guess I've realized that everything is so very complex that it's stupid to try to simplify situations to "right" and "wrong."

Lady Justice has balance in her hand. There are varying degrees of right and wrong.

History has always been marred with opposing powers pushing their belief systems upon each other. The Cold War was democracy vs. communism. Now there is fundamentalist Islam attacking Judeo-Christianity.

Do you know what made the Roman Empire so great? Their acceptance of other cultures - to become a citizen of Rome did not mean you had to completely become Roman - the Romans kept a lot of their outer territories without pushing the Roman belief system upon them.

America is great because it's the cultural melting pot (well, more of a patchwork now) ... America is based on the idea that ideas can coexist in harmony. Our forefathers kept a separation of religion and state to prevent one religion from pressuring other religions into believing what they believed.

Progress in our world will never continue unless we are willing to accept the fact that different cultures have different values. We must understand and accept this fact - we must understand that forcing belief systems is wrong and will only cause more conflict.

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I've had religious struggles since high school. At first, religion was a blessing because it finally let me "pass on" tough decisions to God. It was a journey back to my childhood, where someone could tell me what was right and wrong - all I had to do was follow the faith with all my heart.

As I entered college and went through the self-realizations that the world was not wrong, but I was wrong ... I started to rely less and less on God. How could I expect to fully heal myself and better myself when my personal life direction would be determined by a higher deity?

I didn't want to be held accountable by God; I wanted to live my own life and better myself as a person without the assistance of an outside guide.

My abandonment from the church in no way implies an abandonment of morals - I still attempt to abide by all the moral rules that govern Christians. I respect the laws of man, trying to live a moral life that I could proudly present on Judgement Day (if it were to happen, of course). This does include my no drinking, no drugs, no sexual relations prior to marriage views.

But tying back to my latest beliefs that the world is gray, I don't think any lesser of people who do these things. To me, if their belief system says it's okay to drink, or okay to poke smot, then it is not my place to judge them or to push my belief systems onto them.

The rules of man are meant to keep civil order to society; they should not regulate how we live our lives, unless the actions of one man put another man in danger.

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Someone asked me today if it mattered to me if I were to get involved with a girl if she had previous sexual relations.

I said it wouldn't matter. A relationship is simply a friendship on an elevated status, it is not an open invitation to judge the other person and to lay blame on their faults. Coming from a Christian standpoint, sleeping with someone prior to marriage is wrong. But this position presents an interesting position.

Let's look at the different outcomes:
The first scenario is one where you assume the relationship goes to marriage. If you really love this person that much, are you going to let a past relationship bother you? It shouldn't. If it does, there are some self-esteem issues that will have to be dealt with.

The second scenario assumes the fact that the prior sexual relation was a result of the person's loose morals. If the person has loose morals, then there will be bigger issues than simply the past sexual relations, and the relationship would end.

It's one of those problems that solve itself.

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